Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
