I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
