I met the friendliest cop last night
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize