I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
