What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
