two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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