Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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