I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
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Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
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My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm always down for nudity.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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