Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
