When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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