I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
