I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
