I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
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So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
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In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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