The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
