i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
