I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Randomize
