Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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