there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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