so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
pray to the hookup gods
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
