god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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