I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
