The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.