i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I understand Curling. That high.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
