my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck