my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
