Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
