I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
