He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
operation have a gay friend backfired
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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