i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
