Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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