it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
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