what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
