there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
