I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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