you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
