dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
