I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
