You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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