note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
