Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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