atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
