Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
