My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
