Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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