3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
