just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
