I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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