mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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