No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
