weddingsv make me drug and hornr
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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