I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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