I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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