it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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