it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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