so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
