My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
