My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
