I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
