My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
