I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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