i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Randomize
