the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
