totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
