Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
