it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
